


E is for "Elves" and Envy

by EmmettM2025



Series: The Alphabet [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 17:13:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17729375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmettM2025/pseuds/EmmettM2025
Summary: Tony and Dum-E experience some altercations, and a fight with an "army" is hilarious.*Can be read as a stand-alone*





	E is for "Elves" and Envy

**Author's Note:**

> AH! This one took me a while. It's my first time writing crack AND a battle AND a battle with crack. I might have bitten off more then I could chew to be honest. I'm sorry this one took so long, but F is already in the works I promise. 
> 
> Thank you so much to @Skye07 for once again putting up with me to help brainstorm for this one.  
> Thank you to @Judy_The_Dreamer for being an amazing beta reader! You really helped so much and I really appreciate it.  
> Thank you to @FreyaS and @AusKitty for cheer reading and offering some great feedback. 
> 
> Any constructive criticism is welcome as I'm always trying to get better! Obviously this is the first time for me trying a lot of things so I'm excited that I managed to pull it off considering I challenged myself with this alphabet series to step outside of my comfort zone and try new things. It took me a while because I consider myself not funny so getting over the idea that its crack was hard for a hot second. Also, real life always gets in the way.

A quiet snort slips out as I slowly come to awareness. It's still dark outside my window and I'm tired, so I close my eyes and I try to fall back to sleep. My bladder, however, begins to scream and I know that sleeping is not on the immediate agenda. Opening my eyes with a huff and gathering my wits to make a trip to the bathroom, I roll over to take stock of the situation. 

 

The intensity of pain in my bladder is starting to increase so I know that going to the bathroom is an immediate necessity. That is, after I can manage to escape the clutches of two very sweaty, unconscious super soldiers. Laying on his stomach with one meaty arm thrown over my midsection and our legs tangled together, Steve snores softly from my right. Bucky sleeps quietly on my left, wrapped around me like an octopus. 

 

Tensing my abdominal muscles, I give a testing pull but neither soldier relents, so I decide to go one at a time. I grab Steve's arm, a solid chunk of heavy muscle, and shove it towards his side, trying to get it off me completely. He snorts, briefly opening his eyes with a small smile when he sees the way that Buck and I are intertwined, before flopping both of us over and wrapping around Bucky. I can't tell if he's helping me or just seeking out more comfort, but it works in my favor as Bucky tangles his legs with Steve's and I'm free. 

 

‘Thank you,’ I mouth to Steve who just smiles and leans over to peck me on the lips before closing his eyes to go back to sleep. 

 

Rolling out of bed, I stretch with a yawn before walking to the bathroom to do my business. Knowing I'm awake for the day, even if it is really early, I decide to head to the workshop to work on some upgrades to the team's gear.

 

Changing into workshop clothes is difficult in my mind-numbing state but I emerge from the bedroom clothed so I must have done something right. Stumbling down the hallway towards the elevator, I try to wake up some without much luck. I stop in the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee before continuing on my way. 

 

The warmth of the cup in my hands helps to bring me towards awareness but when I climb into the elevator, the sound of the doors closing barely registers. 

 

The ride down is silent, aside from the occasional slurp of coffee. When the elevator doors slide open, my mind comes alive a little bit more and ideas begin to flow faster. Just the sight of my workshop encourages new thoughts and plans to form in my mind. 

 

As I walk in to my workshop the lights turn on automatically, illuminating something I thought I would never see. 

 

“J, why does Dum-E have one of my gauntlets?” I ask pointedly. 

 

“I believe that he is envious of your armor having two arms and decided to take it for himself,” Jarvis explains with humor in his voice.

 

“Dum-E, put that down! You're going to hurt yourself or break something,” I order, marching towards him. 

 

With a meek “beep” he puts a table between us. 

 

“Dum-E, if you don't put that down, I'm donating you to the community college,” I threaten. Even with this declaration looming over him, he evades me. 

 

“Dum-E!” I yell, chasing him around the room for what feels like hours. Eventually though, I sit on the floor and wait for him to come to me. This doesn't work either, considering he just stops across the room from me and beeps. 

 

“You're grounded,” I reprimand him, but it doesn't appear to have any effect as he waves the gauntlet at me like it's a hand. 

 

“This is ridiculous,” I mumble to myself. 

 

Before I can think up a new plan, the Avengers alarm starts to blare. I'm up on my feet in an instant, moving to the platform where Jarvis assembles my suit. 

 

“What are we looking at, J?” I ask when the helmet covers my head. 

 

“It appears that an army of an unknown alien race is marching down the streets of Manhattan. No casualties reported yet. They appear to be moving toward an unknown destination. Predicting final destination based on route now,” J informs me. 

 

_ Great, aliens again _ . 

 

The force of the quinjet taking off ten floors overhead shakes the ground. Deciding to join the party, I use the repulsors to shoot myself out of the window.

 

“Predicted destination is SHIELD Headquarters,” J reports. 

 

“Great,” I mutter, putting more power into my thrusters. 

 

I realize only after I reach the quinjet that Dum-E still has my gauntlet.

* * *

 

“Tony where is your gauntlet?” Bruce asks curiously. The entire team is looking at my bare hand oddly. To be fair it's probably a weird sight, but I just shrug in reply.

 

“I don't want to talk about it,” I admit with a wince.

 

“What are these things?” Natasha asks, changing the subject. 

 

“According to J's scans, they are aliens with tough skin and electric spears. They haven't exhibited any malicious intent whatsoever and appear to be heading directly for SHIELD headquarters,” I say. “Based on the pictures from the media, they look like Pikachu had a baby with Mike Wazowski and gave it a six foot taser.” 

 

Clint snickers at that, vocalizing everyone's amusement at my apt description. 

 

“I think the best plan of attack is to try and capture the leader. Maybe they’ll stand down without a figure leading them,” Bruce suggests. 

 

“That's not a bad idea, Bruce. We’ll have to reach the leader first though,” Steve explains. “So Clint, Nat, Buck and I will be on the ground fighting the masses. Tony, can you handle capturing the leader by yourself?” 

 

“No problem, Cap Attack,” I reassure him. He nods. 

 

“No civilian casualties, the public comes first. Do not get hit by the electric spears, and call for help if you need it. We have 20 seconds until we land. Get anything else that you might need and be ready to run when the doors open,” he orders. 

 

Everyone nods, the mood shifting  slightly, and the sound of the engine purring quietly fills the quinjet as we prepare ourselves for the fight. 

 

“Doors opening in five… four… three… two…” Bruce counts down from the front. 

 

The doors open fairly close to the ground and we jump, bracing for impact. This is something the team has practiced countless times in team drills so that we don't injure ourselves, and it pays off as the rest of the team executes it perfectly. 

 

I start to fly towards the leader, but stop short at the sight that greets me. 

 

“Holy shit,” Clint cackles. “They're fucking Mike Wazowski babies. This is ridiculous!” 

 

Even Nat cracks a smile for a short second before regaining her composure.  

 

These “aliens” are three feet tall, greenish beige, and almost rounded like an egg. The spears they hold are three times their height and they're ambling down the streets of Manhattan. Audible grumbling can be heard as well. 

 

With a pause, Steve shakes his head and smiles in amusement before charging towards the mass. 

 

When Steve reaches the first alien, he hits it with his shield and the force of it sends the alien literally bouncing off of the skyscrapers like a pinball. I watch it happen in what seems like slow motion and can’t help but chuckle.

 

The alien that Nat kicks with her foot bounces off of the pavement a couple of times before scrambling back to its feet and smacking her on the top of the head with its spear in retaliation. Clint shoots an arrow and it rebounds, falling onto the ground with a small clatter. Bucky punches one of the aliens and the blast knocks out all of the aliens in a twenty foot radius.

 

Of course, they stand back up again like nothing happened and my teammates prepare to attack again. 

 

The fighting has barely even started and we are already at a stalemate. Regardless, I jump into the sky to head for the leader, who is a shocking four feet tall compared to the rest of the munchkins. 

 

When I finally get to the leader and tackle it, a portal opens up in the middle of the horde of aliens and all of the munchkins start to pile through. 

 

After the dust clears and the portal closes, the leader and the alien that Steve sent flying between the skyscrapers are the only two left. 

 

Of course, Clint and I start laughing immediately and it doesn't take a lot of time for the rest of the team to follow suit. The team as a whole spends what is probably way too much time laughing hysterically on the streets of Manhattan before we pick ourselves up and pile into the quinjet with our captured aliens. 

 

Well, what now?

* * *

 

“You're telling me an army of three foot tall, walking rubber balls decided to storm the streets of Manhattan, and you couldn't damage them, so you captured the leader and the pinball instead and let the rest escape? Am I getting that right?” Fury says in his too loud voice. 

 

All we can do is nod and try not to laugh. 

 

“Ridiculous. Have you talked to the aliens yet?” Fury asks incredulously. 

 

“They wouldn't talk sir, although given the chance, I think they'd be willing to explain now given their situation,” Clint replies. 

 

“Captain, Stark, interrogate the prisoners and see if you can get them to talk. Banner, Barnes, you can go with them. Barton, Romanov, explain it to me again,” he orders. 

 

It's a short walk to the interrogation room, and the aliens greet us with faces that are probably supposed to be haughty but really only appear to be tired. 

 

“Why did you attack?” Steve asks, straight to the point. 

 

“Hnng. D- D- Dm- Doooooom,” the Alien leader spits out. 

 

“Naturally, that bastard has been a pain in the ass for years,” I curse. “Why?” 

 

“Mm, b- baa- bad p- people, he says,” the alien answers. 

 

“That's priceless,” I laugh hysterically. “He thinks we're bad people, that dude is literally awful. What a hypocrite.”

 

“What are you?” Bruce asks. 

 

“Onnn, on my plan- planet, we are called Elves,” the alien explains in broken English. 

 

Bucky snorts at this. “Elves, okay. Why electric spears?” 

 

“Mmmmmm, don't know,” it replies. Any other attempts at questions are ignored so we walk out. 

 

“So we were attacked by ‘elvish’ Mike Wazowski mixed with Pikachu holding electric spears. Anyone want to go out for Shawarma?” I say sarcastically into the open air.

Finally setting foot back on the tower grounds is euphoric and I cannot wait to shower. First, I have to get out of this suit and  _ get the gauntlet back from a certain pain in the ass _ . I'm never going to let him live that down. 

 

We drop Clint, Nat, and Bruce off at their floors, but Bucky and Steve accompany me to the workshop. Maybe reinforcements will help with bot catching. 

 

As we walk into the workshop, Dum-E somehow has three gauntlets pinched between his singular claw. I don't know how he got all of them, but it's such a ridiculous sight that I can't help laughing. 

 

“Dum-E give those back,” I order, still grinning. 

 

“Aww, doll, can't you just let Dum-E have them? They suit him so nicely,” Bucky pouts.

 

“If he wants a new arm I can make him a new arm, but I'll be damned if I lose mine because he has my gauntlet,” I reason. 

 

“Okay, how do we catch a pain in the ass?” Steve asks. 

 

“Same way we would catch Tony?” Bucky wisecracks. 

 

“Hey!” I yell, only half-offended. 

 

Dum-E beeps in what can only be amusement and my legs are moving before I even realize it. 

 

“You get over here, you little shit!”

I drop down onto the couch, panting and sweating profusely. Steve and Bucky flop down on either side of me and we sit there catching our breaths for a good long while. 

 

“You know, for only having four wheels that little guy is  _ fast _ ,” Steve pants. 

 

“You're not wrong,” Bucky agrees. 

 

“Dum-E, if you really want two arms I can do that for you, but this is not the way to do that,” I pant. 

 

“Well, he got your attention, didn't he?” Bucky argues. 

 

“Yeah, but he stole my gauntlets,” I counter.

 

“He only means well,” Steve tries to say seriously, but ends up smirking halfway through. 

 

“I know,” I huff. “All of you are such a pain in the ass sometimes.” 

 

“We love you too, honey.” Steve smiles at me. 

 

A moan is ripped out of me when Steve kisses me, it's heated and filthy and everything I love. There's a shift behind me and then Bucky is leaning against my side, balancing on his knees. He mouths at my neck heatedly as Steve does his best to distract me.

 

As things pick up more speed, Bucky begins to claw desperately at my shirt. I rip my mouth from Steve's to pull it over my head, but Dum-E starts beeping frantically right behind us as if to say ‘stop, don't scar me’. 

 

“I was on your side, dude. What the hell?” Bucky whines. 

 

Dum-E just waves at us with my gauntlets and then rolls away. 

 

What a cockblock. 

 

Dum-E One, Tony Zero. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Constructive criticism is always welcome, please do not be mean in the comments. 
> 
> Please come talk to me! My tumblr is @music-culture-mythology and my discord is @EmmettM2025 if you're into that thing. 
> 
> Next is letter F!


End file.
